The roots of Art for the heart began when I was gently led by the Holy Spirit to commit the Word of God to memory. OK, so it was actually more like when the Holy Spirit hit me over the head with a baseball bat, but I have always been a bit of a slow learner when it comes to trusting and obeying God.
It was a week or two after my fortieth birthday and I was feeling like my life was finally starting to fall into place. My teenage years had been filled with a desperate striving for attention and meaning that led me into an outright "rebellion" in college. What followed was marriage, divorce, and then an unexpected pregnancy that brought a massive change of life plans-in which everything I had held onto for my self-worth- crumbled one piece at a time.
It was during my pregnancy that I began attending church again. God brought me through the pregnancy with a beautiful and healthy little girl, a miraculous little gift from God that helped to redirect my steps back to the right path. I met my fiancee at this same church shorty after my daughter was born. We became friends and about 6 months later we began to date. A year and a half later, he proposed.
Yes, everything seemed to be looking up....... that is until my fiance suddenly broke off the engagement. It was about a month before the wedding date and almost everything was planned. I won't go into detail here but I will sum it up by saying this was just one more depressing end to yet another one of my life's chapters that didn't end how I had so hoped it would. The break up followed what felt like an endless series of devastatingly "failed" relationships. At the age of 40, the surmounting memories of all of my past mistakes and failures began to haunt me day and night. I was having trouble sleeping at night and focusing during the day. I felt a gnawing and growing hopelessness about my life as well as my inadequacies to be the mother (and father) I needed to be to my three year old little girl. My days were filled with the thoughts of the "if only's and what ifs" of the last twenty years of my life. My nights were filled with literal nightmares which had an on-going theme of abandonment and rejection. My constant over-analysis during the day- instead of bringing a sense of peace and closure- made me feel like I was losing my mind.